it's been almost a month.
we've struggled with whether or not to make it plain on our blog what's been going on this past month. for a multitude of reasons (wanting to be transparent, wanting people to know so we don't have to verbalize it to everyone in person...) we have decided yes. we hope this comes off as earnest, because our lives aren't solely consisted of social commentary/pretty things/good music.
we found out near the end of september that we were pregnant. what an amazing, beautiful surprise! we were scared and excited (definitely more excited, though). systematically over the next few weeks we began sharing the news with our immediate families and our best friends. the dreams of kissing sweet little hands and feet and meeting our little one were swirling in our heads for almost a month. just short of announcing our news to the general public, i began to show symptoms of a threatened miscarriage. i was put on bed rest by our midwife, but a few days later i woke up to a 'symptom' that is unmistakable. I began to miscarry at 10 weeks.
it was a physically difficult time for me, as the miscarriage took almost 2 1/2 weeks to complete. During that time, Colin and I knew our baby had gone to be with the Lord, so dealing with the physical symptoms and the waiting was devastating as it coupled with the most extreme grief we've ever felt.
I remembered something today that Michael Card wrote in his book A Sacred Sorrow... "The degree to which I am willing to enter into the suffering of another person reveals the level of my commitment and love for them. If I am not interested in your hurts, I am not really interested in you. Neither am I willing to suffer to know you nor to be known by you. Jesus' example of these truths comes alive in our hearts. He is the One who suffered to know us, who then suffered for us on the cross. In all this, He revealed the hesed of His Father."
we have been loved so well in this time. Colin and I didn't need to cook for weeks because of the meals that were brought over. We have been flooded with prayers and encouragement. Those who love us have sat with us and cried, listened, offered healthy diversion, and driven down to accompany us to doctor's appointments/cook meals/clean our house (thanks, mama fien!). It is one of the biggest times in our lives where we have felt the Body of Christ accomplishing God's work "with skin on", as people say.
God has held us. He is our Peace, our Treasure. He is our only Good Thing, and He IS good. We have entrusted our little one to Him and know, because of His character, that our baby is safe with Him, experiencing Him in such a way as we haven't yet. We are so grateful to know and worship the Lord.
I (Rachel) know and am reminding myself that, although I believe and trust those things, I am allowed to be sad. I don't have to be ashamed of my grief or try to mask my hurt. There's something in our culture that makes sadness into something like a lack of faith or failure. If I'm being transparent...I am hurting. Every day seems to have a heaviness to it that I'm never sure I'm ready to face. But... I trust in the Lord's plans, I trust that His heart for us is good, and I trust that He will see us through this. Although this Truth doesn't change the physical reality that I am no longer pregnant with our little one, it does change these things from utter despair to hope. For that I am so, so thankful.
please pray for us. thank you, friends.
grace and peace,
the husband and wife.