One of my favorite things is when you're driving down the highway in the rain and you pass under a bridge. It was quite stormy the other day, but that tiny moment on my way to work kind of made me smile. The second when the pounding rain stops is almost deafeningly silent, then, in a flash, you're back to squinting to see the road and listening to the rain come heavily down on your windshield.
Such is life. The past months have been full of so much rain. At times I've felt like I'm squinting, just barely faithful, only trusting that the Road is there but not knowing where it's going or why I'm on it. Quite honestly there have been times where my heart has ached so much that I wanted to just pull over. Stop completely and abandon trust.
But my heart is well. I'm so thankful that there is shelter, and that there are moments of silence, when His purpose is clear and we are able to renew our vigor. He is our Ma'on... our Dwelling Place, our Refuge in the midst of pain. Oh, that we (I) would let him be more than just a fleeting second or two of peace and rest before we're driven back into the storm!
Happy Easter, friends. Bask in the Resurrection of Christ! Let's rejoice.
Back home in South Carolina after a week full of old friends, new friends, 80 degree weather, 40+ hours in the car, hating Oklahoma, swhite being pulled over, armadillo roadkill, ghetto spiderman impersonators, and lots and lots of laughter. So thankful for my friends, and for the time we get to spend together, even though we all live apart.
The wonderful thing about being cooped up in the car for so long, minus time with friends, is there's time for introspection and asking the Spirit to be the Revealer.
Being "unplugged" for the majority of the week was such a good thing for me. I'm not one of those people who goes on frequent tirades against social networking and all, because I really do believe that it's a tool that, if used well, is beneficial and good. What I did realize, though, is that my insecurity and even my vanity and materialism (which is another blog post entirely, which I'll get to later this week) seems to be spurred on in a huge way by what I'm feeding myself (what I'm reading, what I'm spending my time doing and thinking about). When I read through my google reader every morning and eye all of the fashion blogs that I follow, I find myself coveting. The expensive clothing, the endlessly stylish wardrobe, the beautiful skin and hair. It sets my mind and heart on things that aren't good for me-- it spurs my heart to insecurity and a desire for things that aren't eternally worthwhile. Instead of setting my sights on paying off our loans so we can get on the mission field, I find myself wanting to go shopping. It really grieved my heart this week when I allowed myself to be convicted by this realization instead of brushing it off.
As a disclaimer, hear me when I say that fashion blogs are not bad. Shopping is not bad. Wanting to be fashionable and express yourself in what you wear is not bad. I'm simply speaking to my own sinful tendencies, and how I can tell my heart is turned from pure and good things when I focus so much time and attention on these things. Contentment is unattainable in this area. What my heart needs is to read of and focus on its true worth and where it comes from. All I can think about is "Here, God! look at my sea shells!" (via John Piper's book Don't Waste Your Life).
One of the reasons I keep a blog and write about some convictions or thoughts I have is because I know that, because it is out in the public and many people read it, I will be held to a standard in some way. It's an accountability that I appreciate being there. As of now, up to an indefinite point in time, I'm only going to read the blogs of my friends and some select others. No fashion or beauty blogs. I look forward to the refreshing of my spirit and the diminishing of a lot of things that turn my heart away from the Lord and towards myself.
The past months have been hard, but slowly and surely, there is more happiness. there is more rejoicing. there is more sharing. there are fewer tears. there are fewer heart-wrenching moments.
I just wanted to share with you all something really cool that God has done (and is still doing). This wonderful epiphany came upon me about a month ago, but I only shared it with Colin and one other sweet friend of mine because I was overwhelmed. I thought it might encourage someone else, so I'll write. I was so taken aback after our miscarriage post at how many women came out of the woodwork via e-mail/message and shared something so similar happening in their own lives. It opened up my eyes (and heart) to the pain that so many of us face and will face over miscarriage (and other pregnancy-related issues). Thank you so, so much for sharing your hearts and prayers with me.
After our baby passed, I spent a lot of time journaling. I've kept a journal for years now, and it's the best way I've found to pray and process with the Lord. One afternoon, I decided to look back at my previous entries (one of the main reasons I keep a journal-- to be able to look back) and something huge socked me right in the gut. Literally, it almost took my breath away. on July 23rd of this year, I wrote (exact quote)...
"I never want to doubt You and Your provision. I want to stay in faith and trust! Continue to strengthen Colin and I to confess Your goodness, no matter the circumstance. Father, I can't help but feel as though You are preparing me to suffer. I could be wrong, and will not expect some immense pain to immediately come upon me, but I want to be ready to confess You as my only good."
That alone was enough to bring understanding and even encouragement to my heart at that time. Even previous to that entry, I had written very similar things, such as asking the Lord to do what it takes to make me a woman of unwavering faith. I even wrote a little entry on similar things here. That is what He has been teaching me the past year or so. But as I was reading that, I had a moment of dejavu. I remembered discussing the idea of the prosperity gospel (via John Piper's sermon) with Caitlyn (who I shared this with) in a message that we had sent back and forth this past year. I looked it up, and in our discussion I wrote to her...
"I love that video...I so agree, it riles me up so much...it is so moving. Cait, don't you feel like God may be teaching us this and pressing this on our hearts to prepare us for something, maybe? Such a scary thought, but true. Paul writes somewhere in Philippians 2 (?) that we are called to suffer with Christ...not just to believe in Him. ah."
Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. I DO NOT believe, as some do, that the Lord causes miscarriage (or any death) to happen in order to sanctify us or do something in our lives. That would be completely antithetical to who I know God to be. But what I do believe is that He intends to use the painful things so that we may trust Him, love Him, and serve Him better. I see now that Jesus was speaking to my heart and growing me in areas that would ultimately help me to rely on Him and cling harder to His promises in the time of suffering that followed. This epiphany (for lack of a better word) has filled my heart with more adoration for our Jesus.
When we first found out I was pregnant, our prayer at every chance was us simply keeping our hands open (a theme in Colin and I's relationship) and entrusting our little baby to Him. I'm thankful to know that nothing is our doing, and give all credit and praise to God!
Thank you once again for reading this. I hope that, in some way it's able to encourage your hearts. He is at work in us and in the world. What a reminder.
1. goodbye, 2010! you were an awesome year for us, but i'm also excited about what 2011 will hold. although there are so many things that will, Lord-willing, be happening in the coming years, i wish time would just slow down. i love right now. even though right now isn't perfect and is difficult at times, i love seeing Him at work, and love what He is doing.
2. Colin and i have had Sufjan's Christmas albums for years, but for some reason i've never really noticed this song. i love it. i love it. i love it and i can't stop listening to it. It's on Vol. V of his Songs for Christmas albums.
3. this article about David Bazan and his walking away from the faith/first solo album (he used to be a part of Pedro the Lion) Curse Your Branches (which is described as a, "harrowing breakup record—except he's dumping God, Jesus, and the evangelical life"). really sad. raises a lot of questions in my mind..
4. so, i love world market. we've talked about this before. most of all (well, besides their rugs, throw pillows, and curtains... haha), i love their glass moroccan-style lanterns. i picked up a few in various shapes, sizes and colors this past week since they were on sale, and am really excited to find a spot for them to hang in our little place! if only i had a back patio, i would string the smaller ones up outside.
5. Also, i made this last night for Colin and I... and we can't stop thinking about it, it's that good. this Spicy Shrimp recipe is a meal fit for the summer, with good friends sitting around a newspaper-covered table. highly recommend you make this! don't forget the toasted french bread with it!
6.. thank you, all, for the affirmation we have received on this blog (whether it be in person, personal messages, facebook, comments...). it has surprised me that people like to read our thoughts and about our life and find it interesting and encouraging, but we are so glad! i think the next post we write together will be on why we blog. anyways, thanks guys!
Apologies for the long absence. Much has transpired and blogging has been on the far distant burner.
1. Currently at coolbeans musing on James 2. What a shocking and provocative passage for protestants of all shades! Every once in a while I'll read scripture and come out of the experience winded. Pneumatic workout.
If you got that last one, you're a geek like me.
2. Radiohead: yes. If you haven't ever listened to "optimistic" or "in limbo" together, you lackin'! I do think they almost pulled off a masterpiece in these two songs. It's rock with a pillow under your tush. I jet off into a far galaxy when I listen to the whole album (Kid A).
3. Watch this and then let's talk about it.
Call social services. Other than the irony of these "ladies'" extreme singleness, there's not much to grin at in this one, folks. Rachel brought a great point over dinner about this video and in light of the "Whip my hair" song by Willow Smith, who is 10 years old. The issue is that our media-centric culture is luring children into social, emotional and physical development faster than ever. In short, we're growing our kids up too fast. In reference to the "single ladies" we just viewed, they are seven years old. that's right. siete anos. When I was seven years old I was playing street hockey everyday after school. These girls are playing with barbies in the afternoon, then going to striptease-esque dance lessons after dinner. hhmmm. What's worse is that any person who speaks out against this video on youtube (like one guy we saw, with a vlog) is consistently called a "pedo" or "pervert" for saying the video is sexually charged and inappropriate. REALLY?
not trying to be uber critical, just...GOMMORAH, people!
4. I love my job. Frenzy Screen Printers! I've posted about it before and told of God's providential grace in giving it to me after months of prayer asking for a job just like it. I enjoy going to work everyday knowing that, to a large extent, the fate of the business rests on my (and Savannah's, my co-worker) shoulders. It is a grand responsibility, but infinitely better than being a cog in the wheel at a factory. I'm in a new store on Harbison Blvd, right next to Chili's and Barnes and Noble. If you need anything printed on t-shirts, hoodies, sweat pants, etc., give us a call (781.3755).
5. God is so abundantly worthy. He is deserving of our devotion and obedience/trust/praise at all times. When we don't have intense religious affections for Him, I firmly believe in THAT time we can honor Him in a very special way, even if just by being with Him intentionally. May we never shrink away from Him because of self-inflicted shame.
Be with God this week. I'll be seeking to do the same.
Grace and Peace to you from the only glorious God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
winter is upon us! high of 37 on wednesday?? aah. moving our little space heater into our bathroom for when i get out of the shower was one of the best ideas i've had in forever. toasty. also, a sprinkle of cinnamon in your cup of coffee does, in fact, brighten your day, just a little bit.
this looks really good right about now.. 43 degrees. BLAGH.
what. the. heck. what is this? so cool! when Colin saw it, he said, "No. no. NO." haha.
the Wood between the Worlds.
why have i not been listening to Joni Mitchell all my life? I love her! I'm finding more and more lately that I love the sound of music from earlier days. If anyone has good recommendations for other artists, please let me know.
James Taylor at Christmas, also. I will always have love for sweet baby James... always.
trusting in Jesus in the midst of sorrow does not go unnoticed by Him. As a sweet friend instructed me, "you just walk." I have found a compassion that is incomparable to anything else. It is such a sweet truth that He is near to us in our grief. i am hungry for His presence. thank you, Lord, for grace to trust You.
"Then I said to you, 'Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place."
we've struggled with whether or not to make it plain on our blog what's been going on this past month. for a multitude of reasons (wanting to be transparent, wanting people to know so we don't have to verbalize it to everyone in person...) we have decided yes. we hope this comes off as earnest, because our lives aren't solely consisted of social commentary/pretty things/good music.
we found out near the end of september that we were pregnant. what an amazing, beautiful surprise! we were scared and excited (definitely more excited, though). systematically over the next few weeks we began sharing the news with our immediate families and our best friends. the dreams of kissing sweet little hands and feet and meeting our little one were swirling in our heads for almost a month. just short of announcing our news to the general public, i began to show symptoms of a threatened miscarriage. i was put on bed rest by our midwife, but a few days later i woke up to a 'symptom' that is unmistakable. I began to miscarry at 10 weeks.
it was a physically difficult time for me, as the miscarriage took almost 2 1/2 weeks to complete. During that time, Colin and I knew our baby had gone to be with the Lord, so dealing with the physical symptoms and the waiting was devastating as it coupled with the most extreme grief we've ever felt.
I remembered something today that Michael Card wrote in his book A Sacred Sorrow... "The degree to which I am willing to enter into the suffering of another person reveals the level of my commitment and love for them. If I am not interested in your hurts, I am not really interested in you. Neither am I willing to suffer to know you nor to be known by you. Jesus' example of these truths comes alive in our hearts. He is the One who suffered to know us, who then suffered for us on the cross. In all this, He revealed the hesed of His Father."
we have been loved so well in this time. Colin and I didn't need to cook for weeks because of the meals that were brought over. We have been flooded with prayers and encouragement. Those who love us have sat with us and cried, listened, offered healthy diversion, and driven down to accompany us to doctor's appointments/cook meals/clean our house (thanks, mama fien!). It is one of the biggest times in our lives where we have felt the Body of Christ accomplishing God's work "with skin on", as people say.
God has held us. He is our Peace, our Treasure. He is our only Good Thing, and He IS good. We have entrusted our little one to Him and know, because of His character, that our baby is safe with Him, experiencing Him in such a way as we haven't yet. We are so grateful to know and worship the Lord.
I (Rachel) know and am reminding myself that, although I believe and trust those things, I am allowed to be sad. I don't have to be ashamed of my grief or try to mask my hurt. There's something in our culture that makes sadness into something like a lack of faith or failure. If I'm being transparent...I am hurting. Every day seems to have a heaviness to it that I'm never sure I'm ready to face. But... I trust in the Lord's plans, I trust that His heart for us is good, and I trust that He will see us through this. Although this Truth doesn't change the physical reality that I am no longer pregnant with our little one, it does change these things from utter despair to hope. For that I am so, so thankful.
there is just something about this song that's hard to describe. so, so beautiful. simple. it is by far my favorite song by death cab. it sort of fit in with the calm climate of today--
encouraged, because God cares for me and anticipates my needs, tired, because my body can't seem to fall asleep lately, peaceful, because of the rain, content, because i know that, even when things are ambiguous, they're not to Him, thankful, because even though Colin is far from perfect, he's sure perfect for me.
1. Now is when it counts. We will continue to confess God as our Provider and place our situation in His capable hands, because He is faithful and good, even/especially in times of need. Yesterday, literally hours before a lot of things fell through, Colin and I were riding in the car together, and I told him I believed that, although we have been abundantly blessed in the past few months, we would still trust our God, even if and when we weren't in a time of financial stability. That He has strengthened us and been faithful to us and shown Himself trustworthy so well that we should never doubt. So we continue to place our lives in His capable hands. We relish the opportunity to learn more and more what true reliance is. Thank you, Jesus.
2. I went with the nude shoes, by the way. thank you, all!
3. We had the privilege of spending our first anniversary at our friends Patrick and Dayna's wedding. Seriously, what an awesome way to spend your anniversary... celebrating the joy of marriage! It was such a fun wedding, too. We are overjoyed for them both. Tonight, though, we are going to go out and have an anniversary date, compliments of Mama Fien, and enjoy Colin's new-found freedom from waking up at 5 am. We get to stay out late! This morning we actually got to wake up together, too! So, as per usual, we are hitting up MVista for our favorite sushi and drinks. Thanks, Mom!
4. By the way, what is everyone's take on sushi in Columbia? I know that everyone has their favorite. Colin and I have been to most places, but haven't found anything better than Miyo's. We've heard that Camon is supposed to be the best sushi in town, but we're scared to stray and be disappointed because of how expensive it is there. Anyone have any opinions?
5. Yesterday Colin got off work early so we ran errands together in the afternoon. He went thrifting with me, we took care of some stuff that needed to be done, and then we made the mistake of going to World Market. uuuuuggghhhhhh. we wanted coasters. that's it, plain and simple. we walked out with a hanging lantern, ceramic furniture knobs for the dresser i'm going to refinish, and coasters. that place is torture. pure torture. On the topic of thrifting, though, I love sifting through the boxes of books at His House. I always leave with at least a few books and they give them to you for about .25 cents. yesterday I picked up some Shakespeare and The Runaway Bunny. anyone read that as a child? I loved it.
life is full of themes. i can say that most times in my life are marked by style of dress, a particular CD that i loved at the time, and during the latter years of my life, what God has been teaching me. this past almost year, without a doubt, my theme has been God's goodness.
i want to be someone who confesses God's goodness in all situations and at all times, regardless (and in the midst of) life's circumstances. i'm tired of our tendency to exclaim, "God is good!" when we get what we want or feel like we deserve, but to remain silent or even complain when life is hard, uncomfortable, or painful. when i see this happen or see this inclination in myself, i have come to inwardly cringe. we are so wrong. this sense of entitlement is wrong.
Psalm 145 says, "The Lord is good to all, and has compassion on all He has made. the Lord supports all who fall, and lifts up all who are bend over..Everything looks to You in anticipation, and You provide them with food on a regular basis."
from what i can tell, the term goodness in Scripture in reference to God is used to describe His upright nature at times and at others to mean His benevolence-- His kind and loving giving of good gifts to His children. God delights in this, and we are commanded to make known to Him what we desire. He is a Father who is overjoyed to give good things to His children. God is always good. God is always good. He is good all the time. He is the same, never-changing One who is endlessly righteous, loving, compassionate, and just. God is unchangingly and necessarily good. He is consistent and stable. we are not and have never been worthy of His benevolence.
How dare we look at the Cross of Christ and say to God that it's not enough, that we deserve more. We have always been undeserving of His benevolence, but He extends it freely and to all without reserve. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm sure a lot of you have seen this video and heard this message, but Piper is so dead-on. his passion is correctly placed on this matter. this, the prosperity gospel, is the sickening end of this sinful mentality and proclamation that i'm talking about.
i feel like where we're at has to be the strangest, most divided stage of life.
in one sense, my mind is absolutely swimming with possibilities and desires. we've graduated college with degrees in both bible and some sort of science/art (me: psychology, him: biblical languages), we are married, and we're paying off our school loans piece by piece. we've prayed for years and years and felt led by God in our giftings and desires. we've sought wisdom and teaching from those around us. my heart feels absolutely overwhelmed at times with longing for places i've never even been. Colin and i frequently play a game where we ask each other random questions throughout the day, just to hear the response. most of the times they're silly or imaginative questions. it seems as though anytime he's asked me, "if you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?" i respond with, "india." plain and simple. my heart is yearning for that place. not for any romanticized view i have of it, or for the food, dress, or culture... simply because i feel as though God has placed the desire in us and there is work for us to do. i can't explain it, but my soul groans for that land.
but in another sense, my heart is oddly and wonderfully content here. although neither of us have jobs that we love or family in the area, we are surrounded by good friends, a church that we love and are able to serve in, and a knowledge that God has us here right now. i think one of the worst things that we as young people do is yearn so much for the next stage of life or other placesthat we forget that God has us here, and we are called to obey, minister, and be joyful in this moment. wherever we are, and however pleasant or unpleasant it is. i think we miss out on so many opportunities to grow and serve when our hearts are overwhelmed with want for another place or another point in time. this contentment is beautiful. we can see God teaching us things that are best learned here and now; stretching, growing and sanctifying both in small steps and in long strides.
Colin and i have always said that we want to stay in our old trailer, with terrible air conditioning/heating, a leaky roof, no yard to speak of and few possessions rather than moving into a larger and nicer house/apartment because we refuse to become attached to our material things, knowing that we aren't supposed to stay here. too many people become entranced by their collections and comfort to the detriment of their calling. the reason i write this is because Colin and i can see why-- we can see that tendency in ourselves, however small it may be, to want comfort over discomfort. we refuse to foster it. we want to trust God for everything and be ready to give it all away for the sake of the Gospel and our specific call to take it to india, if that is His Will.
pray with us in this time, and rejoice in the circumstances that God has provided, because He is good and worthy of our praise!
