One of my favorite things is when you're driving down the highway in the rain and you pass under a bridge. It was quite stormy the other day, but that tiny moment on my way to work kind of made me smile. The second when the pounding rain stops is almost deafeningly silent, then, in a flash, you're back to squinting to see the road and listening to the rain come heavily down on your windshield.
Such is life. The past months have been full of so much rain. At times I've felt like I'm squinting, just barely faithful, only trusting that the Road is there but not knowing where it's going or why I'm on it. Quite honestly there have been times where my heart has ached so much that I wanted to just pull over. Stop completely and abandon trust.
But my heart is well. I'm so thankful that there is shelter, and that there are moments of silence, when His purpose is clear and we are able to renew our vigor. He is our Ma'on... our Dwelling Place, our Refuge in the midst of pain. Oh, that we (I) would let him be more than just a fleeting second or two of peace and rest before we're driven back into the storm!
Happy Easter, friends. Bask in the Resurrection of Christ! Let's rejoice.
Such an awesome Truth. In my brokenness, sadness, anxiety, whatever... He will never forsake me. He won't forsake you, either. Know it, and live in it. Live like it. It's almost too much for me to contain at times.
The past months have been hard, but slowly and surely, there is more happiness. there is more rejoicing. there is more sharing. there are fewer tears. there are fewer heart-wrenching moments.
I just wanted to share with you all something really cool that God has done (and is still doing). This wonderful epiphany came upon me about a month ago, but I only shared it with Colin and one other sweet friend of mine because I was overwhelmed. I thought it might encourage someone else, so I'll write. I was so taken aback after our miscarriage post at how many women came out of the woodwork via e-mail/message and shared something so similar happening in their own lives. It opened up my eyes (and heart) to the pain that so many of us face and will face over miscarriage (and other pregnancy-related issues). Thank you so, so much for sharing your hearts and prayers with me.
After our baby passed, I spent a lot of time journaling. I've kept a journal for years now, and it's the best way I've found to pray and process with the Lord. One afternoon, I decided to look back at my previous entries (one of the main reasons I keep a journal-- to be able to look back) and something huge socked me right in the gut. Literally, it almost took my breath away. on July 23rd of this year, I wrote (exact quote)...
"I never want to doubt You and Your provision. I want to stay in faith and trust! Continue to strengthen Colin and I to confess Your goodness, no matter the circumstance. Father, I can't help but feel as though You are preparing me to suffer. I could be wrong, and will not expect some immense pain to immediately come upon me, but I want to be ready to confess You as my only good."
That alone was enough to bring understanding and even encouragement to my heart at that time. Even previous to that entry, I had written very similar things, such as asking the Lord to do what it takes to make me a woman of unwavering faith. I even wrote a little entry on similar things here. That is what He has been teaching me the past year or so. But as I was reading that, I had a moment of dejavu. I remembered discussing the idea of the prosperity gospel (via John Piper's sermon) with Caitlyn (who I shared this with) in a message that we had sent back and forth this past year. I looked it up, and in our discussion I wrote to her...
"I love that video...I so agree, it riles me up so much...it is so moving. Cait, don't you feel like God may be teaching us this and pressing this on our hearts to prepare us for something, maybe? Such a scary thought, but true. Paul writes somewhere in Philippians 2 (?) that we are called to suffer with Christ...not just to believe in Him. ah."
Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. I DO NOT believe, as some do, that the Lord causes miscarriage (or any death) to happen in order to sanctify us or do something in our lives. That would be completely antithetical to who I know God to be. But what I do believe is that He intends to use the painful things so that we may trust Him, love Him, and serve Him better. I see now that Jesus was speaking to my heart and growing me in areas that would ultimately help me to rely on Him and cling harder to His promises in the time of suffering that followed. This epiphany (for lack of a better word) has filled my heart with more adoration for our Jesus.
When we first found out I was pregnant, our prayer at every chance was us simply keeping our hands open (a theme in Colin and I's relationship) and entrusting our little baby to Him. I'm thankful to know that nothing is our doing, and give all credit and praise to God!
Thank you once again for reading this. I hope that, in some way it's able to encourage your hearts. He is at work in us and in the world. What a reminder.
winter is upon us! high of 37 on wednesday?? aah. moving our little space heater into our bathroom for when i get out of the shower was one of the best ideas i've had in forever. toasty. also, a sprinkle of cinnamon in your cup of coffee does, in fact, brighten your day, just a little bit.
this looks really good right about now.. 43 degrees. BLAGH.
what. the. heck. what is this? so cool! when Colin saw it, he said, "No. no. NO." haha.
the Wood between the Worlds.
why have i not been listening to Joni Mitchell all my life? I love her! I'm finding more and more lately that I love the sound of music from earlier days. If anyone has good recommendations for other artists, please let me know.
James Taylor at Christmas, also. I will always have love for sweet baby James... always.
trusting in Jesus in the midst of sorrow does not go unnoticed by Him. As a sweet friend instructed me, "you just walk." I have found a compassion that is incomparable to anything else. It is such a sweet truth that He is near to us in our grief. i am hungry for His presence. thank you, Lord, for grace to trust You.
"Then I said to you, 'Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place."
we've struggled with whether or not to make it plain on our blog what's been going on this past month. for a multitude of reasons (wanting to be transparent, wanting people to know so we don't have to verbalize it to everyone in person...) we have decided yes. we hope this comes off as earnest, because our lives aren't solely consisted of social commentary/pretty things/good music.
we found out near the end of september that we were pregnant. what an amazing, beautiful surprise! we were scared and excited (definitely more excited, though). systematically over the next few weeks we began sharing the news with our immediate families and our best friends. the dreams of kissing sweet little hands and feet and meeting our little one were swirling in our heads for almost a month. just short of announcing our news to the general public, i began to show symptoms of a threatened miscarriage. i was put on bed rest by our midwife, but a few days later i woke up to a 'symptom' that is unmistakable. I began to miscarry at 10 weeks.
it was a physically difficult time for me, as the miscarriage took almost 2 1/2 weeks to complete. During that time, Colin and I knew our baby had gone to be with the Lord, so dealing with the physical symptoms and the waiting was devastating as it coupled with the most extreme grief we've ever felt.
I remembered something today that Michael Card wrote in his book A Sacred Sorrow... "The degree to which I am willing to enter into the suffering of another person reveals the level of my commitment and love for them. If I am not interested in your hurts, I am not really interested in you. Neither am I willing to suffer to know you nor to be known by you. Jesus' example of these truths comes alive in our hearts. He is the One who suffered to know us, who then suffered for us on the cross. In all this, He revealed the hesed of His Father."
we have been loved so well in this time. Colin and I didn't need to cook for weeks because of the meals that were brought over. We have been flooded with prayers and encouragement. Those who love us have sat with us and cried, listened, offered healthy diversion, and driven down to accompany us to doctor's appointments/cook meals/clean our house (thanks, mama fien!). It is one of the biggest times in our lives where we have felt the Body of Christ accomplishing God's work "with skin on", as people say.
God has held us. He is our Peace, our Treasure. He is our only Good Thing, and He IS good. We have entrusted our little one to Him and know, because of His character, that our baby is safe with Him, experiencing Him in such a way as we haven't yet. We are so grateful to know and worship the Lord.
I (Rachel) know and am reminding myself that, although I believe and trust those things, I am allowed to be sad. I don't have to be ashamed of my grief or try to mask my hurt. There's something in our culture that makes sadness into something like a lack of faith or failure. If I'm being transparent...I am hurting. Every day seems to have a heaviness to it that I'm never sure I'm ready to face. But... I trust in the Lord's plans, I trust that His heart for us is good, and I trust that He will see us through this. Although this Truth doesn't change the physical reality that I am no longer pregnant with our little one, it does change these things from utter despair to hope. For that I am so, so thankful.
life is full of themes. i can say that most times in my life are marked by style of dress, a particular CD that i loved at the time, and during the latter years of my life, what God has been teaching me. this past almost year, without a doubt, my theme has been God's goodness.
i want to be someone who confesses God's goodness in all situations and at all times, regardless (and in the midst of) life's circumstances. i'm tired of our tendency to exclaim, "God is good!" when we get what we want or feel like we deserve, but to remain silent or even complain when life is hard, uncomfortable, or painful. when i see this happen or see this inclination in myself, i have come to inwardly cringe. we are so wrong. this sense of entitlement is wrong.
Psalm 145 says, "The Lord is good to all, and has compassion on all He has made. the Lord supports all who fall, and lifts up all who are bend over..Everything looks to You in anticipation, and You provide them with food on a regular basis."
from what i can tell, the term goodness in Scripture in reference to God is used to describe His upright nature at times and at others to mean His benevolence-- His kind and loving giving of good gifts to His children. God delights in this, and we are commanded to make known to Him what we desire. He is a Father who is overjoyed to give good things to His children. God is always good. God is always good. He is good all the time. He is the same, never-changing One who is endlessly righteous, loving, compassionate, and just. God is unchangingly and necessarily good. He is consistent and stable. we are not and have never been worthy of His benevolence.
How dare we look at the Cross of Christ and say to God that it's not enough, that we deserve more. We have always been undeserving of His benevolence, but He extends it freely and to all without reserve. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm sure a lot of you have seen this video and heard this message, but Piper is so dead-on. his passion is correctly placed on this matter. this, the prosperity gospel, is the sickening end of this sinful mentality and proclamation that i'm talking about.
