God is good, and wise, and merciful.
The past months have been hard, but slowly and surely, there is more happiness. there is more rejoicing. there is more sharing. there are fewer tears. there are fewer heart-wrenching moments.
I just wanted to share with you all something really cool that God has done (and is still doing). This wonderful epiphany came upon me about a month ago, but I only shared it with Colin and one other sweet friend of mine because I was overwhelmed. I thought it might encourage someone else, so I'll write. I was so taken aback after our miscarriage post at how many women came out of the woodwork via e-mail/message and shared something so similar happening in their own lives. It opened up my eyes (and heart) to the pain that so many of us face and will face over miscarriage (and other pregnancy-related issues). Thank you so, so much for sharing your hearts and prayers with me.
After our baby passed, I spent a lot of time journaling. I've kept a journal for years now, and it's the best way I've found to pray and process with the Lord. One afternoon, I decided to look back at my previous entries (one of the main reasons I keep a journal-- to be able to look back) and something huge socked me right in the gut. Literally, it almost took my breath away. on July 23rd of this year, I wrote (exact quote)...
"I never want to doubt You and Your provision. I want to stay in faith and trust! Continue to strengthen Colin and I to confess Your goodness, no matter the circumstance. Father, I can't help but feel as though You are preparing me to suffer. I could be wrong, and will not expect some immense pain to immediately come upon me, but I want to be ready to confess You as my only good."
That alone was enough to bring understanding and even encouragement to my heart at that time. Even previous to that entry, I had written very similar things, such as asking the Lord to do what it takes to make me a woman of unwavering faith. I even wrote a little entry on similar things here. That is what He has been teaching me the past year or so. But as I was reading that, I had a moment of dejavu. I remembered discussing the idea of the prosperity gospel (via John Piper's sermon) with Caitlyn (who I shared this with) in a message that we had sent back and forth this past year. I looked it up, and in our discussion I wrote to her...
"I love that video...I so agree, it riles me up so much...it is so moving. Cait, don't you feel like God may be teaching us this and pressing this on our hearts to prepare us for something, maybe? Such a scary thought, but true. Paul writes somewhere in Philippians 2 (?) that we are called to suffer with Christ...not just to believe in Him. ah."
Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. I DO NOT believe, as some do, that the Lord causes miscarriage (or any death) to happen in order to sanctify us or do something in our lives. That would be completely antithetical to who I know God to be. But what I do believe is that He intends to use the painful things so that we may trust Him, love Him, and serve Him better. I see now that Jesus was speaking to my heart and growing me in areas that would ultimately help me to rely on Him and cling harder to His promises in the time of suffering that followed. This epiphany (for lack of a better word) has filled my heart with more adoration for our Jesus.
When we first found out I was pregnant, our prayer at every chance was us simply keeping our hands open (a theme in Colin and I's relationship) and entrusting our little baby to Him. I'm thankful to know that nothing is our doing, and give all credit and praise to God!
Thank you once again for reading this. I hope that, in some way it's able to encourage your hearts. He is at work in us and in the world. What a reminder.
grace and peace,